What we teach our daughters of marriage is almost nil. In olden times, mothers used to force the idea of the ‘real home’ of the girl being the house of her in-laws.

• If a daughter is to be married off, she has to be trained about the arts which make the marriage successful.
• A daughter has to be a daughter-in-law, and she has to be a mother after that. We have a homegrown tradition of unmarried daughters making life difficult for the Daughter-in-law

A girl is looked upon as a daughter, a sister, a daughter-in-law,

A wife, and a mother, and then, as a mother-in-law.

Never as a human being, which she is  

Before being anything else to anyone. 

The universal law extends to every one born to this earth, a sufficient amount of freedom and happiness. However, it is this freedom which is abridged and twisted, so as to cause distress among the ranks of humanity.  Behind the assumed roles in the society, lies a universal spirit called humanity. It is because of a twist in our perception, that the essential humanity of a fellow being is compromised.  An actor, by playing several roles, is actually trying to keep the wolf away. Roles are important, but more important is the man who plays them, for a plethora of reasons. In the same way, in life too, a person assumes several roles, and instead of giving him freedom, joy and happiness, it takes the shape of a deadly struggle for keeping alive.

When it comes to a daughter, we are very sensitive. In India, we consider her ‘Lakshmi’ the goddess of wealth. It is a strange thing that people are always after wealth, but a daughter? Oh no. They want a son after a son. If God listens to every one’s prayer, and he sends only boys, it can be left to imagination what will happen to further progeny of mankind. Will you like to spend on a film in which there is no heroine? What makes a film worthy of watching and spending time and money, is the romance of the lead pair, followed by abduction, and a bitter fight between the hero and the villain. All these ‘thrills’ become possible, if women characters are around. Still, we are obsessed with having baby boys. And a lady who fails to bear a male child, has to suffer several ignominies, including a ‘Souten’ [co-wife].

Daughters

We love our daughters, and this love is essentially protective. I am focusing on how we bring them up. We want them to be educated. We want them to be able to face life. We want them to be bold. We want them to get higher education and qualify for a good job. And then, the girl joins some service also. Now, she is of marriageable age. We take pride in her qualifications. She is getting her salary home also. And, as she is the only daughter, she is pampered also. Most of the times, she is un-listening. Self-opinionated. And does not care for the parents. She takes her own decisions. She sometimes falls in love with a boy. Now, it is a matter of the family honor. She is told strictly by the father to honor the family traditions. And ninety nine out of hundred daughters surrender before the pressure of the parents to accept in marriage a man of their [parents’] choice. There is only one case in a hundred where a girl goes against the wishes of the parents, and marries a person of her choice, and is then, killed for ‘honor’.

Marital [not martial] training to Daughters

What we teach our daughters of marriage is almost nil. In olden times, mothers used to force the idea of the ‘real home’ of the girl being the house of her in-laws. And, they were also instructed to be obedient and helpful to the parents-in-law. But, nowadays, mothers have no time from their kitty parties. The young daughters are not told anything how to adjust in an alien family. They are simply told about their rights, not at all anything about their duties. And the result is, as soon as they enter the new household, the honeymoon ends in three months. And, the girl who was never taught to cook food, be respectful to elders, be considerate to the old, and listen more and say less, – is now headed for the police station. Our education teaches every art, except the art of home making. Home Science is a different story, because home making is an art, not a science. And, what happens, we see our dear daughters, on whose education, lakhs of rupees are spent, when married with a great fanfare in costly marriage palaces, suffer crashes.

The Daughter-in-Law

A daughter, one day, has to get married and reach the home of her in-laws. The more pampered she is at her parents’ home, the greater are going to be her problems with the in-laws family. As pointed out earlier, our daughters are given no training at all at family making. Whatever old women tell them [these days, we don’t have those story-telling old women left] they gather at random. There is no thorough training for home making. Actually, marriage and home are considered less important, if not entirely irrelevant in the present times where daughters have got education, and marriage is considered a necessary evil. But they are never brought face to face with the facts of life that she has to marry, she has to be a daughter-in-law, and she has to be a mother after that. We have a homegrown tradition of unmarried daughters making life difficult for the Daughter-in-law [DIL]. She is now living in a family where not one person belongs to her. Even her husband belongs to his parents. Among these aliens, she has to put up and make space for herself. These are all power relations. The MIL [the mother-in-law] does not want to part with her decision-making powers, while this passion for power brings her in direct clash with the educated DIL.

The Point at Issue

If a daughter is to be married off, she has to be trained about the arts which make the marriage successful. Because, we in India perhaps do not understand the value of a stable and peaceful home.  Women feel utmost happy when the husband gives them pocket money for shopping. That is all about marital happiness for a woman. It is wrong. They are human beings. And they must go beyond these shopping sprees which are no more than diversions only to keep them away from the real issues of existence.

As educated girls, they must be taught to rise above the mundane and try to become accomplished in arts which raise the level of human joy.  Getting food, and a protective home, and then, giving birth to kids, and rearing them, is a part of the job of living, not the entire truth of life. We have never looked upon the female gender as human beings. They need to develop their mental faculties like men, and grow from mundane chores. However, those who choose to restrict themselves to the home, they must know how to maintain peace and happiness at home. And for this, the DIL is not singly responsible. It is the duty of the entire house to learn to live collectively and for each other.

Conclusion

We need to be thinking so much because our society believes in the institution of marriage by arrangement. If marriage is solemnized on the basis of love, fifty percent issues will disappear. In all, I can say the society remains indifferent to the personal freedom, space of a girl child who is forced to do so many things by her parents in the name of family honor, and when they go to the parents-in-law’s house, they find their freedom excised. Their space gone. And they have to struggle hard to make space for themselves.  It kills the human being in them. They remain mothers, or daughters-in-law, but in the process, forget they had some individual dreams, some colorful dreams of personal accomplishment,  so that they could have a feeling of self-fulfillment. The girl child, thus, remains starved of the sense of achievement and social value which is available to the male stock.

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Published under International Cooperation with "Sindh Courier"